Dark and ungrateful year

I'm trying to rewire my brain. Last Thanksgiving, that big fat mole on my neck (many of you will recall) started looking abnormal. My mother suggested I have it looked at and panic started to set in. I always think a little too much about death and have a really hard time accepting the loss of someone else. When I was seeing a therapist regularly, she thought I couldn't allow people to be close to me because I was so afraid to lose them. But back to the mole, which I ended up having removed even though 2 dermatologists told me they weren't concerned....After the mole was removed, I had a cold, which I never get, for nearly 4 months (likely due to my body trying to heal the wound). I was convinced I would end up dying from some type of cold/respiratory/flu-complication. I was okay for a little while, until 2 friends from my childhood and my Dad's baby brother suddenly passed away. The night Uncle Robby died I knew I would die in my sleep from a blood clot in my leg and found myself crying all the way home to the walk in clinic. I paid 500 dollars for an ultrasound the next day, confirming I was blood clot free. In early fall, another (distant) family member passed away from breast cancer, a perfect prelude to breast cancer awareness month. As a side note, does anyone consider hypochondriacs during these "awareness" campaigns? There should be "unawareness" months for the hypochondriacs...just saying. As one might predict, I went in for a basic breast exam at the walk-in and was told everything is okay. Lingering still is the worry that won't subside until I have a mammogram and thorough testing to assure myself that I am going to live. Sigh.

Where I'm going with all of this is that last year was hard. I have been so consumed by stress, death, illness, worry, fear, anxiety, and feeling GUILTY for being such a baby when everything in my life is going well. Only Sean could tell you how often I burst into tears trying to express what's on my mind. I'm not sure if it's due to work, lack of time, aging, being successful, or simply not getting to the gym often enough. Regardless, the themes of my life in 2013 have not been light. When I reflect, I feel I have been ungrateful and hopeless.

This Christmas I am trying to focus on hope. Hope that even if I must endure horrible things in my lifetime, God will prevail. Tonight on my drive home, I was overcome by happiness while driving through a twinkle-lit suburbia. I made Turkey stock and had a glass of white wine. And for the first time in a year, I've been okay with writing this down in hopes of letting my irrational fears die. I've realized that I write in order to let things go. When I can't write, it's because I am clinging to something. I think I can be happy this year. I just need to focus on the tiny, sparkly, heartwarming details life has to offer,