Realizing you're a hypocrit is never a pleasant experience. Especially when there's nothing you hate more than a hypocrit. Man I've gotta say that I may just be the ultimate hypocrit. This has been coming for a while. It hurts. It hurts to think that it's taken eleven years of struggling and failing to finally come to this place of surrender. Wow. It hurts to look back and see now what I didn't then. Eleven years of confusing myself and others by my hypocritical lifestyle. And for what? Because someone who should have loved me offended me? I'm so very ashamed of myself right now. How could I be so blind? So selfish? So unbelievably self-centered.

I was lying on a rock last august, to the right of the old marina, west of the train tracks and underneath everything, when I decided to get honest with myself. Something had been rotting inside of me over the summer. I can almost pinpoint the moment that all life flowing out of me ceased. I'd never felt dead before, but after realizing what actually dwelled in me, I did. The book we're going through in our Monday night girl's group says this about the process of refining gold:

"The first step in refining gold is grinding it into a powder and mixing it with a substance called flux. Then the mixture is placed in a furnace and melted by intense heat. The alloys and impurities are drawn to the flux and rise to the surface. The gold (which is heavier) remains at the bottom. The impurities or dross (such as copper, iron, and zinc, combined with flux) is then removed, yielding a purer metal"

Behold I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.
Isaiah 48:10

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ
1 Peter 1:6-7

Most of you know that this last summer, for me, was an entire season of hardship. Though I covered it up as much as I could, I had never been that miserable before. Things that hadn't bothered me for quite a while were all I could think about: times I was hurt by my mother, days my father didn't show up, things they couldn't give me, a life I wished I would have had, if they hadn't gotten a divorce, if we hadn't been poor, if they would have protected me, if she wouldn't be so selfish, if she would have shown an interest, if she would ever say she was proud or appreciated me.....in other words "i'm a victim, i'm a victim, i'm a victim, i'm a ...well you get the point. I justified and excused my sin of bitterness by playing the victim card.

I've known for sometime that my relationship with my mom is not what it should be. There have been times when I have attempted to make amends, hint that i'm sorry, be kind to her for a few months, but the sin always returns. I have remained bitter all of these years. I have constructed walls all around myself making it impossible for her to love me. I have never forgiven her for wounding me. And somehow I've been able to carry on? Talking about love when my heart is focused on being bitter towards my own mother. If you could see me right now typing this, you would see a brown pony tailed girl, sitting indian style in front of a laptop, glossy eyed, typing with her left hand and resting her head in her right as she occasionally shakes her head at herself. As I've been facing this, I've found myself questioning every aspect of my life. If I could be so blind to this, what else could be lurking inside of me? I couldn't understand at first why I hadn't been so miserable before. But after this last monday it was clear: like the gold in the furnace, it took fire, it took trials to bring my impurities to the surface. You never change when you think everything is fine.

This is where I am right now: trying to see my heart as it is. trying to take the focus off of me and my past hurts and ask the much needed question,"Who am I hurting?" trying to surrender. wanting to be soft. preparing for a very humbling experiece (going to my mom). learning that forgiveness is not accepting an apology I think I deserve. learning that forgiveness is remaining vulnerable, not building walls, and giving others the right to hurt me repeatedly. learning that if I don't risk being hurt, I cannot give unconditional love. Learning that I have a lot of learning to do.

Why do you not rather accept wrong? Why do you not rather let yourselves be cheated?
1Corinthians 6:7

But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.
Matthew 5:44

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.
Phillipians 2:3

if you think about it this week...would you please pray for me. thank you.