Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters

I lay in bed this morning, feeling as if the disapproval of the world was keeping me from sitting up. Fighting. Spiraling through my thoughts I stumble upon my father. I have heard many voices criticize my father. He has lived a life welcoming the dissaproval of nearly everyone he has known. And I am ashamed to admit the times that I too have offered my dissaproval.
He was born into poverty...a family unable to provide...a lot of kids...a lot of stealing...a a lot of abuse...many situations inappropriate for my blog. He was in and out of school. He fought often, a fight when he was 13 sent him to Juvenille Hall. His parents refused to pick him up. I suppose one less mouth to feed. His cousin Danny Harlin, 18 then, picked him up and "raised" him. For the next four years my Dad and uncle Dan partook in some of the most hideous activites I have heard of. The day my dad turned 18 he enlisted in the military, searching for honor in the only way he saw possible. His time in the military and the stories I have heard give me nightmares. Even now, I am embarrased to share any details. My father has committed every sin I can think of. I have never known anyone who has committed as many atrocities as my father. He has failed time and time again. When my mother married my father her parents refused to come to their wedding. They saw my Dad "for what he was" a nobody, a poor man, education-less, an alcoholic that would lead their daughter to a damaged future. They married and in many ways my Grandparent's were right, my Dad was an alcoholic, a steady income never came, they divorced. But I can't recall ever hearing my Dad criticize my mom's parents. There is something about my father that is magical. He may be unreliable," irredeemable" in the eyes of many, a "scoundrel", a "dead beat" and many many things, but the way he loves people is rare and powerful. My father is not a Christian, but I have always said that he teaches me more about Christ than anyone ever has.

My dad has shown me these important things:

-"i don't give a damn what you do, if i'm gonna like someone it ain't for their medals"
-"Lighten up, dammnit"
-"i'm not here to judge ya"

in his very unique way, my father has convinced me that nothing can justify being judgemental of someone. he has convinced me that success as the world defines it is a cop out and that real accomplishments lie in loving unconditionally, treating people as valuable, and doing what is right. he has convinced me that even the darkest of moments you can find laughter, joy, and hope.

so today, as i battle those glances of disapproval, those eyes that won't look in mine because they wish i were different, those people who want me to tell them what they want to hear, i will think of my father. i woke up today feeling discouraged, considering compromising who i am that i might please others, wishing i were more accomplished, more polished, more eloquent and well mannered. now i feel refreshed, knowing that what lives inside of my father can be carried on through me. i want to love people. i want people to see they they can throw away the images they identify themselves with and be, simply, themselves. i want people to feel welcomed into my life. i want people to feel better about themselves after being around me. i want to help people without hope to laugh. i thank God for how he has shown his nature in my father. I love how God reveals himself in the least likely of people. To close, some lyrics from a song my dad and I used to listen to while sitting in his chipped blue pickup truck, as I ate reeses from a gas station and he smoked his cigarettes:

And now I know
Spanish harlem are not just pretty words to say
I thought I knew
But now I know that rose trees never grow in new york city
Until youve seen this trash can dream come true
You stand at the edge while people run you through
And I thank the lord theres people out there like you
I thank the lord theres people out there like you
While mona lisas and mad hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they cant and that is why
They know not if its dark outside or light
This broadways got

Its got a lot of songs to sing
If I knew the tunes I might join in

Ill go my way alone
Grow my own, my own seeds shall be sown in new york city
Subways no way for a good man to go down
Rich man can ride and the hobo he can drown
And I thank the lord for the people I have found
I thank the lord for the people I have found