every now and then I have self-worth breakdowns. I'm not sure how it happens , or exactly why, different events and circumstances can trigger them. I'm guessing i'm not alone in having these. It usually begins with comparing myself to other people, then escalates to regretting particular aspects of my personality (how i don't always do everything i say i'm going to, ....wishing I were more this, less that. After questioning myself and concluding that I should be much different then I really am, I get it in my head that this is exactly what the people in my life are thinking about me. I proceed to read into every handgesture, sigh, degree of eye-contact and tone of voice until I have sufficient evidence that I am indeed not worth another person's time and that it is best that I give them the opportunity to tell me so and free some of the burden that is myself.
This way of thinking is RIDICULOUS. It makes me wish these thoughts were Boggarts and that I could simply cast the Riddikulus spell on them (see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban).
In retrospect, I know none of these tormenting perceptions of myself or true. I know that the liar preys on me.
Anyhow, last night was one of these nights. They're difficult, they make me eyes ache, it must be the clouding of the truth.
I am fortunate that Sean is beyond marvelous and that when I ask him if he not only loves me but likes me he doesn't get offended by my doubts or look at me like i'm crazy. but he laughs and squeezes me and helps to penetrate my blurried skull. When I look at him I can see how God loves me. It is my wish that every person has someone in their life that is this sort of window. I am a blessed girl.
I was thinking this morning, as I took a stroll around capitol hill before class and watched people stamp their way to work with their cappucinos and navy blue coats....about how marvelous God is to have created people to reflect his love to one another. How wonderful for him to place truth in another person's eyes. It makes me smile.
It is a lovely day.
4 comments:
Sharon..I hope you NEVER feel like I don't love you. Alot.
The exact way you are is exactly the way you ought to be. Your flaws, weirdness, idiocyncracies, and eclecticness only make you intriguing and cute to me.
Countless times I have been thankful to have someone so adorable, genuine, and unique in my life. Your kindness, love of fun, style, writing/poetry, outlook on life, determination in the face of absolute adversity and every single odd against you, fantasy, whimsy, creativity, ability to sleep during movies, book reading, cappucino making, selflessness, heart, sensativity, and love for God are truly truly truly an inspiration to me. EVERY DAY. I would be a completely different person if you weren't in my life...and it wouldn't be pretty.
I LOVE YOU!
Most times when I read your blog or see you, I smile, because I'm always amazed how much of God's love you reflect. You're like a headlight on a lonely road.
::hug::
-chloe
i have such wonderful friends :)
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