I suffer from an illness, i call it the "people-pleasing disease". It's been a while since I did something, because I , me, sharon marjorie barbour wanted to do it, purely because the act of doing a thing makes me smile no strings attatched. I hate confrontation, i hate saying no, i hate making people anything but pleased and when i have to suck it up and confront or dissapoint someone i feel like i'm rotting inside. I've been trapped, chained by this sickness, bonded to the illusion that I have to always do what's in other's best interest. But what if, i've been thinking, what if always being who and what others expect of me is cheating them. If i'm living my life in a way that i compromise who i am and change for others sake, is it possible i'm lying to them? While, I wholeheartedly believe sacrifices for others are not only wonderful but neccesary, I've begun to see that I may have made some unhealthy sacrifices, sacrifices that have only hurt others and myself in the end. A wishful thinker I am. I'm getting excited to leave, I've needed to leave for a long time, I need to leave and relearn how it is to be me. I need to remember what i'm passionate about and what it is that really makes me laugh. The time has come for me to learn how to say "no". No i don't love physics, no i don't want to be in college this year, no i don't want to stay here and do what i've always done. Yes, i love reading and writing even though i'm not that talented, i want to go live far away and probably finish school next year, i want to fall in love and be thought foolish by all who know me, i want to knit and play chess and fall asleep during movies, i want to take long walks but not on the beach because i hate sand between my toes, i want to live on baked potatoes and just be myself. aahhhh i'm a dork, i don't care, i'm giving myself a pep-talk if it's not already obvious :).